Understanding My father - Part II

Me Being Gay – Sigmund Freud’s Behavioral Theory Proved

 

I AM SO FRIGGIN’ GAY and I AM SO VERY LOVING IT

Thank you GOD for creating me thus,

Thank you dad for sowing your seeds,

Thank you Dr. Freud for helping me understand and

Most importantly, Thank you Mrs. Thomas for teaching me how to read and think…without you, all of this wouldn’t have been possible.

 

Though this particular multi-part series is dedicated to my father, I had a passing thought that it would be much more enjoyable to you, my lovely readers if I had to confess a bit. What’s life without a bit of gossip hey?

Well, instead of letting you imagine too many great things about my ever so simple life, I thought I could tell you a bit about myself and how I am proud of my father for having denied things in my childhood that has led me to being gay.

There are many scientists who have various theories on us, “gay folk” or in the words of my father “the degenerate homosexuals”. There was one lady doctor who proved that the size of a gay man’s hypothalamus is half the size of that of a “straight” man’s while another proved that it was the result of the societal influence that led us to being gay.

While there was one other scientist who proved that choice lets me “lead such a life” (I really wonder if a person would choose to live in a country that is so homophobic, constantly be on the search for that elusive “soul-mate” and in the meantime getting burnt by every single fling AKA relationships…perhaps that last “scientist” would have to rethink his theory on how one would willingly choose to live in persecution, discrimination and possibly on the receiving end for anything that goes wrong in the society), I am more inclined to look at the genetic hand-down through the mother’s genes coupled with the subconscious-suppression of childhood need.

For those of you who are not certain about what it is that I am blabbering, then let me make it simple for you. I AM GAY AND AM SO VERY PROUD OF IT.

As I believe in the words of the wonderful scientist who studied the size of the hypothalamus, I thank GOD with all my heart for having created me GAY. Dear GOD, I couldn’t have done it without you….thank you so very much for having made me the way I am and I pray that I am made just the same way for the n number of time you wish to reincarnate me.

Since I also believe in the suppression of childhood wants affecting adult behavior, I thank Dr. Sigmund Freud for having understood the concept and putting it out there for us to understand ourselves.

Sigmund Freud stated that when a child is consciously denied a particular want, which later is manifested into a subconscious denial, such a want does not vanish completely, rather it is reflected in the behavior once it grows up to be an adult.

My father denied the most important things that I, as a child, could crave for …that fatherly love, care, a tiny little embrace to transfer the warmth and make me feel secure that everything is alright and everything will be.

 Since the time I remembered and retained a lot of things in my memory, I never had felt either of the above mentioned items. Rather they were all replaced with fear, fear and more fear.

This led me to finding the fatherly love in the most unlikely places and from the most unlikely candidates who took sexual advantage of my teeny li’l body (at the age of three. Yes I was teeny back then and none the better now).

I looked for care and embrace amongst uncles who were more interested in making love to my throat. I looked for that sense of false security in that hairy embrace of strangers who left a void that could never be filled.

After all this, the only impression that each and every one of them left in my mind was that I had to “service” them for them to make me feel secure!!! Well such a “security” lasted exactly for “ELEVEN Minutes” and then they dressed in a hurry before my aunts or their wives could return back home!!!

Yes, I was naïve to think that such encounters would give me the sense of security but at the age of three to seven, aren’t we all meant to be naïve and not be exposed to sex so early???

Hence, life as I have known it has been a fun run. If you haven’t understood a word that I have said so long, then all I can say to you is J and for all of you that have understood every single word that is stated here……LOVE Y’ALL.

Understanding My Father

 – A multi-part series that can help you understand your father if he is something like mine!!!

I have been thinking that the reason that I am the way that I am could in a lot of ways be attributed to the relationship that I have “enjoyed with my biological father. Such an enjoyment of our bonding time is what makes me think of him as an asshole who is an absolute waste of space on this planet and who consumes oxygen that could have benefited someone else. His existence defiles that oxygen around him thus poisoning and killing every one of us.

No, I am not in my adolescence, but long past that stage and into my early thirties now. But my aversion and absolute disgust towards my father was instilled even before my adolescence. Even though people ask me to abide by the Christian law of forgive and forget (I was raised Christian but not anymore), I am able to forgive his misdeeds but forgetting the same is just not possible. Moreover, I suppose forgetting could become possible if the same misdeeds are not done over and again. So simply put, my father does things that would make the skin on SATAN crawl and he does such things so very often that I am not able to forgive or forget.

At times it makes me wonder if I am his son. Reasons….

1  The only part of my body that resembles him are my large toes!

2I don’t think nor act like him

3I don’t chew with my mouth wide open to distract a conversation with a half masticated goat in my mouth

4Most importantly vile language (Indian regional or English) finds it hard to pass my teeth while for my dad it’s like just another word!!!

Well, some of the most important words of his that has so deeply burrowed itself into my psyche would be…

“If you are my son, you won’t do it”

“If you are born to one father, then you would listen to what I have to say”

“Bastard” (sounds more disgusting when said in an Indian regional language)

“You would do that cuz you are born to a prostitute” (can’t replace the word prostitute with Commercial Sex Worker, since my dad says prostitute).

When my very own biological father asks me such questions, it makes me wonder if he really has been a man to have sex with my mother and then beget me, or was I born to some very sweet, noble hearted man who possibly died before I was born, hence my father had to take up my mother and me being the forever-reminder that I am not his?

Before I conclude this part, I would like to explain how my father looks;

He is 5’6” in height, very obese weighing up to 140 kgs. / almost 300lbs. and can’t even see his weenie,  grey hair, absolutely disgusting personal hygiene and not to forget the absolutely deplorable talk. Perhaps one of these days, I shall put a pic of his, so you could understand the “pig” that I have deal with on a daily basis.